Monday, July 21, 2014

The Pocket Problem

Here's something I bet you didn't know:
Where the pockets are placed on the back of the jeans you're wearing affect how your butt looks. Now I bet you're trying to look behind yourself at your butt, aren't you? It's okay, go ahead. Mostly, I suppose, this is not a thing that matters to guys, though it's probably no less applicable to them; they just don't really care. But women... Well, women care about their butts.

Wait. That sounds wrong. Let's try again:

Women care how their butts look. You know it guys. What guy doesn't dread the question, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?"

Let me give you some background:
A while back, my wife needed to buy some new jeans. For most people, that means going to the store... Okay, wait a minute. For most guys, that means going to the store going to the jeans section, grabbing the right size, and paying for them. There may not even be any trying on of the jeans. For women, though... well, I'm not even going to explain the ordeal of buying clothing. If you're a woman, you know what it is; if you're a man, there is every chance you don't have a clue. You have an idea of women liking to shop and think that answers the question of why they spend so much time trying to figure out what clothes to buy and, while it may be true that any given woman may like to shop, that has nothing to do with why it's so much work for them to buy clothes. Just... you know, get her to explain it to you. Seriously.


My wife needed to buy some jeans, and my wife is not one of those women who likes to shop; in fact, she pretty much hates it. So what my wife does, to cut down on the actual shopping time, is research. Which is where I come into this. My wife wanted me to help her with the jeans selection, which started online. But, first, she had to explain to me this whole pocket theory thing, which involved her showing me lots of pictures of women's butts. Before I go on: There are whole websites devoted to this issue of pocket placement. So she showed me scores of pictures of opposing views of women's butts: bad pocket placement vs. good pocket placement. You know, so I would understand. And, then, the question: Tell me which butts you think look good. Yeah, okay, it's not a question, but I'm sure you understand.

And I bet you guys out there are shouting at your monitors in your best Ackbar imitations: "It's a trap!"
Don't get me wrong; that thought crossed my mind. But just wait; it gets better.

So we went through all of these pictures until I had it down what to look for in regards to how back pockets should be on the pants, and then we went out in public... It was a festival-type thing. You know, lots of people. We let the kids go off and do their thing, and my wife and I sat down, and she said to me, "Help me look at women's butts, and make sure you point out the ones that look good." I know! I know! IT'S A TRAP!

But it wasn't a trap. We sat there or walked around for a few hours pointing out butts to each other and determined that, on the whole, women do not do a good job of purchasing jeans. Older women, especially, were prone to jeans that sagged off the butt and left the butt looking rather formless. Younger women liked pockets with lots of bling; I suppose to draw attention to the butt, but that usually was a bad thing. Those women tended to have pockets that were either placed too far apart or were too long (going past the butt down onto the leg), both of which flattened the butt out, leaving it looking like a board.

'Cause, see (and now we get to the point), the problem is that there is no general pocket solution. No one pocket fixes all, which is, of course, what we want. We want THE pocket that we can just slap on any butt and SHAZAM! THAT BUTT LOOKS AMAZING! But all butts are different, and each butt needs pockets that fit the design, so to speak, of that butt. Which can make it difficult to find just the right pocket. And, guys, that's just a small insight into why it takes women so long when they're clothes shopping.

But, of course, this doesn't just apply to butts. It applies to writing and, well, to EVERYTHING! There are very few, almost no, easy solutions in life. No magical fixes. No simple set of rules you can follow to success or whatever it is you're after. It all takes work, research, some trial and error, mistakes, wrong roads, right roads, errors in judgment, missing the target, getting the bulls-eye, tripping, falling, getting back up, trying again, all to get to the the thing that fits you. That set of pockets that makes your butt look good. That turns heads and makes people whistle. Whatever.

Just to let you know, my wife found some awesome jeans. As she said, there's no reason that, just because she's a mom, she should have to wear "mom jeans." I agree. Figure out what fits you and makes you look good. Do the research. The work. Put in the effort. There's no need to settle for a saggy, shapeless butt when you can have, instead, "Now that's an ass!"


  1. I never even thought about pockets. I wonder what my wife would say if I offered to help her look at jean pockets? Wait, no I can pretty much imagine it.
    And I don't think either of us enjoys clothes shopping.

  2. Ugh! I have to work for success? There's no magical solution to my problems? Blah!

    You're right, Andrew. It takes work. And lots of it at that. There are some days that I wonder if it's worth it but then I remember how shallow it would feel if I got something for nothing. It would suck.

    Oh, and, I'm just like your wife. I hate shopping. All shopping. Clothes, food, cars. No thanks.

  3. We women are supposed to love shopping. I do know women who really do love to spend hours doing so, I am definitely NOT one of them. I do enjoy grocery shopping though. As for pockets, I've never really thought about it before, but I have never been a fashionista nd anyway haven't worn jeans in years. Glad your wife found some really good ones.

  4. I'm sure Sir Mixalot would approve this post.

  5. My wife doesn't wear pants. Wait, that sounds wrong.

    She's more of a dress person, though. She doesn't own a single pair of jeans. Hates them. And that's okay by me, because then I don't have to follow women around pointing out whose pockets make their ass look best. :)

  6. Alex: Well, your wife has good reason to not enjoy clothes shopping. If I was a woman, I wouldn't either.

    Elsie: Car shopping? Is that a thing? I mean, does one just go car shopping? My mom used to like to just go look at houses, which I always thought was pretty weird. I suppose that must be house shopping.

    Jo: I do the grocery shopping, but I can't say I enjoy it.

    Pat: That sort of scares me.

    ABftS: Um...
    I'm looking for a response here, but I'm not getting one. I think I'm getting stuck on the "having to follow" part. Who said anything about following? That's... creepy.

  7. It could still be a trap…women are sneaky. :P

    But, yeah, I see what you did there. I wish more people had respect for individual choices and that no one situation is right for everyone.

  8. L.G.: I think we passed the "trap window" a while ago. This post has been sitting in my notes for a while.
    She is sneaky, though.

    And I'm with you. But, NO! All choices must be the same as mine! That's the only way I feel safe. Or something.

  9. I feel for your wife. Men's pants come with the waist sizes and length. Women's just come in sizes and we have to guess which one will fit us, and the different brands run big or small, so we have to try them on to see anyway. I think writing a book might actually be easier than finding a good pair of jeans.

  10. Thankfully, my wife isn't a big fan of shopping, either. Glad your wife found the right fit.

  11. Jeanne: Yeah, it takes me about five minutes to pick out a pair of jeans. Mostly, that's about color and whether I want boot cut or not. If you wanted to tell me that a book is easier, I wouldn't argue.

    Mark: Now, see, my mom loved shopping. It was the bane of my childhood.

  12. Just don't fall for it if when she wants you to go bra shopping. That WILL be a trap.

  13. This post had me laughing all the way through it. Any marriage that can incorporate "let's go look at people's butts" is a strong one.

  14. I am so happy for your wife's find. In my experience, "the perfect jeans"is just a lofty idea that can never actually be attained in the real world.

  15. Donna: I don't think bras work quite the same way since shirts can completely cover up what's going on there.

    Briane: Yeah, I think so.
    Glad you got a laugh :)

    MP: Well, near perfect.

  16. A good ass is always worth following.

    I sent you an e-mail. Just dropping this here since the last one seems to have gotten lost in a digital gutter somewhere.

  17. Funny post. I never assumed that the pockets was the problem. I'm a girl so I just assumed it was the jeans.

  18. Lol, great post Andrew. I know most people don't really think about pockets but they really do have an effect on how the butt looks. I tend to buy jeans that have the widest pocket on the back so it doesn't stick out as much. When those lyrics, "little in the middle but got much back," were written, they clearly were meant for this gal! So I'm very careful when buying jeans, regardless!
    A quick side note... I never realized how important pockets even were until I went to Great Adventure yesterday. It's been years since I have gone and I was unaware they no longer have cubbies for your purses. Needless to say, I'm glad I had pockets for the cash I needed for the 8 bottles of water I ended up buying! And French fries and funnel cake... of course=)

  19. ABftS: Well, I can't quite argue with that.

    G_G: Sometimes, the jeans are the problem, but the pockets make it better or worse.

    Gina: Yeah, for a while, for women at least, pockets were merely decorative, but, these days, with everyone having a phone, pockets are essential again.

  20. Your wife is a smart cookie! Yes, sigh, the pockets do matter. A lot. And jean shopping can suck. A lot.

    But it's fun you were able to make a post about it! No one ever needs to wear mom jeans, they should stop making them and giving mom's a bad name.

  21. I used to think buying jeans was easy - until I came home with 'skinny' jeans. I couldn't get those stupid things up past my knees. God, they were the awfulist things ever. So now I have to actually look at a lot more than size.

    Stupid fads.

  22. Jean: I think mom-jeans are a way to make women feel bad about themselves.
    And, yes, my wife is pretty smart.

    Rusty: Yeah, you have to look at the cut, too, because things like skinny jeans won't work if you have any kind of calf muscle, but, still, checking the size and the cut is a lot simpler than what women have to go through.