Monday, January 19, 2015

You Can't Expect Better

Working with teenagers can be... Let's just say it can be interesting. They can be very creative, often in ways that will get them in trouble. Often in ways they know will get them in trouble because they're coming up with creative ways to do things they know they're not supposed to do. Fortunately, it's only very rarely that they come up with some brand new way to get into trouble. Usually, they're just re-inventing the wheel and doing the kinds of things we did when we were kids. Like telling your parents that you're sleeping over at someone else's house while that person tells his parents that he's sleeping over at your house.

Not that I ever did that. Or anything, really. Because I was the "good kid" who never got in trouble. But I had friends who did things and, mostly, what they wanted from me was to cover for them, because, hey, if I said it, it must be true. "Good kid," remember? My parents never had to bother with giving me a curfew, because I never stayed out late.

As I have mentioned before, I spent more than a few years working as a youth pastor. I learned very early on to be completely explicit with expectations and consequences. If you're not completely explicit, teenagers will try to get creative on you. Or, you know, tell you that you never said whatever it was you were trying to imply. When dealing with teens, never imply. Actually, when dealing with people, never imply. In general, leaving things to implication will never lead anywhere positive.

The first church I was youth pastor at after I moved out to CA didn't have its own building. The church rented space in a school auditorium for Sunday services. When I got there, that's all they had, Sunday services, and nothing specifically set up for the teenagers. As such, the youth group was very small. Less than a dozen kids and a significant portion of those were kids of the other staff. One of the first things I did was set up a midweek youth service that we had in the church offices, which were quite small. And, so, it didn't take us long to outgrow the space (we grew to over 30 kids within the first year I was there), which is when I had to start getting creative.

We moved to a house with a large living room that could fit everyone. The explicit rule was that once you got there, you stayed, a rule made after one of the girls turned 17, got a car for her birthday, and started using youth group as her excuse to go cruise. She'd show up for long enough to say she was there then cut and run. But it was still a house and had a more casual feel to it. People did things like ring the doorbell when they arrived, which was disruptive when they got there late.

So, one night, one particular girl -- she was 15 or 16 -- was sitting on the couch by the window, and she kept looking outside. A car pulled up and, before the person got all the way to the door, she jumped up to get it. As it turned out, it was her boyfriend and, instead of coming in, she went out, and they left. On Sunday after, I let her know that she couldn't back on Wednesday night, the explicit consequence, until I had had a meeting with her father about her behavior. My view was this: If you were going to leave in the middle, then you didn't want to be there. If you didn't want to be there, you didn't need to be there.

Let's just say there was wailing and gnashing of teeth.

During the meeting with her father (for which the pastor was also there, because this was a buddy of his), he said something along the lines of "Well, you can't expect better behavior than that. She's just a teenager." Basically, my daughter shouldn't suffer any consequences, because you can't expect her to act better than she is. I was blown away. I had never heard a parent say anything like that before.

After I finished staring, I said, "Actually, I most certainly can expect better behavior than that. In fact, I do expect better behavior than that, and the other 35 kids haven't had a problem living up to that expectation. You'll never get better behavior if you don't expect it." I believe that.

It was with some distress that I saw someone post on facebook last week that the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo, basically, deserved what they got because they provoked terrorists and you can't expect terrorists to do more than kill you when you provoke them. Now, while it's true that teenagers will misbehave and, yes, terrorists will kill people, that doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't expect better behavior.

After all, terrorists, just like teenagers, are people, and we should be able to expect better of people.

I mean, it hasn't really been that long since we had a significant issue with racial terrorism in the United States and, while that's not 100% solved, it's a lot better than it was. It's better because we, as a nation, expected better behavior. In fact, we demanded it. We had clear expectations and clear consequences. Maybe it's time that we, as a world people, did the same. Terrorism, whether it's racially motivated or politically motivated or religiously motivated or whatever, is unacceptable behavior. We expect better.

27 comments:

  1. First, if that girl was about fifteen, as a parent, I wouldn't allow her alone with a boy with a car anyway. (Yeah, I'd be a real popular parent, wouldn't I?) Her father's response just boggles the mind.
    We should expect better. Demand it. When there are no consequences for irresponsible behavior, people will do anything.

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    1. Alex: And "sanctions" don't always cut it, though they seem to be working at least a little in Putin's case. Not that I think bombing people is the better solution.

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  2. Parents can be so oblivious. I'm speaking AS a parent, and I've been fooled more than once because I want to believe... but if an authority figure told me something they experienced with my child and the consequences, I can't imagine having that response. (though I HAVE been known to find other witnesses if I suspected the initial report--my son had some accusations as a younger boy and it was a boy (and his mother) full-on making stuff up and getting my son in trouble... extra witnesses always help.

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    1. Hart: Well, in this case, there were 30+ other teenagers who watched it happen plus some other adult workers.

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  3. I know this sounds old and stodgy, but I agree with Alex. This girl is leaving youth group half way through to drive off with her boyfriend? That just sounds so wrong.

    I'm no parent, but if you don't have any expectations of your kid when they're young, how do you expect them to grow up into successful adults?

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    1. ABftS: And that is exactly why (I think) other parents always comment to me about hoe well-behaved my kids are and how smart they are.

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  4. I don't think we solved the problem of radical terrorism.

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    1. Pat: No, we haven't solved it, but it's much better than it was.

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  5. There are and should be consequences to every behavior good or bad. The biggest problem in our society (and probably others) is that certain groups somehow feel they or those in their charges should not be responsible for their behavior and not face consequences for themselves but others should own the consequences. A lot of parents think their kids can do no wrong and misbehavior must someone else's fault and not the kids or not theirs as parents. Teachers are faced with a real challenge having to deal with this sort of thinking and society is reaping the ill results.

    The mantra of our age is: It's not my fault, blame someone else.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Lee: Speaking from a schooling perspective, the general viewpoint these days is that if the kid is not doing well in school, it must be the teacher's fault.

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    2. And parents certainly don't have time to teach their own kids or even help them learn or for that matter support the teacher's efforts should the parent not like how the kid is turning out. But God forbid a teacher to teach values or assess any consequences for poor performance or bad behavior. It has to be the teachers fault when kids don't do well.

      Lee
      Tossing It Out

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    3. Lee: You know, the whole education system is completely screwed up, right now. The focus is all wrong, and the kids are suffering for it.

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  6. A fine message for MLK Day. We can build a better world if we expect more of ourselves and each other.

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    1. TAS: It is. It's too bad it was prompted by an actual event rather than just being theoretical.

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  7. The question is, what do you do about terrorism? Often, retaliation simply escalates. There has to be a concerted effort to figure out why people are terrorists, and try to get at the root causes if we can. Extremism doesn't automatically lead to violence (there are plenty of extremists in all religions), but it lends itself to it. So does culture, poverty, and availability of weapons (among other factors.)

    Helping encourage the ideals that help America avoid (some) violence ought to be where we start.

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    1. Briane: Yeah, I think the only real path is education. Violence is very often the first choice of those who have never learned other options.

      But there's no profit in education, so I don't see that happening any time soon.

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    2. There COULD be profit in education. Imagine if we had an Educational-Industrial Complex spurring government to fund massive educational interventions here and abroad...

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    3. Briane: Um... I'm not sure how that would work. I mean, the recipients of the education, if it was education for all, would still be receiving something for what amounts to free, and that is where the whole thing would stop. You'd have to set something up like the university system in which people went into massive amounts of debt to receive the education and that would be a barrier to the people needing education to getting education.

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    4. And I do see that you're being facetious and comparing it to the military, but it made me think about it in realistic terms when you said it, and that is where my brain went.

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  8. I agree with your take on teenagers. But terrorist--not so much.

    And your comment about racial issues totally depends on what color you are and where you live. I suggest between church meetings, you watch some news. Kids are dying out there and it breaks my heart.

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    1. Anna: And I suggest you bone up on your history and get some perspective. Or reading the words I actually wrote. I said that it's better than it was not that it was solved. I grew up in the South. I'm not speaking from some blind spot.

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  9. If only we could get inside people's cultures and cure the ailments than spawn terrorists. I think that's the difference between teens and terrorists. As parents, leaders, and teachers, we have the opportunity to set expectations and demand better behavior. Unfortunately, we have little power to change the poverty of villages that drive many to join militant groups. We do what we can, right? But in the end, it does come down to the individual. How desperate are they?

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    1. Crystal: I don't actually believe it's a cultural thing. Within our own culture we have had radical, militant groups (the KKK) and still do, although they are not what they once were. I think it's mostly about education. Less education=more violence.
      So I think there are some things we -could- do, but they are things we won't do because, as I said, there's no (monetary) profit in it. The people with the money have a hard time seeing beyond that.

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  10. Woah, this post escalated quickly.

    I'm not really sure the analogy is working for me (due to the intense separation of seriousness), but I get where you're coming from. :/

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    1. Alex H: That was kind of the point, because, in essence, it's the same behavioral issue. The girl came from a home where many mis-behaviors were excused with "that's what kids do." Her dad seemed to believe that she would just somehow grow out of those things without any other kind of instruction.
      There is actually a lot of similarity in root behaviors between kids (look at any three-year-old) and terrorists.

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    2. I think I'd need specific examples, haha. Seeing as I teach 3-year-old's as my day job, I'm having a hard time imagining the extrapolation. :P

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    3. Alex H: What? You've never had to work with a kid who bites any time s/he doesn't get his way? Or who pushes kids over just for fun? Or who, and this is my favorite, knocks over other kids' blocks and stuff any time they try to build something?

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