I'm joining in on the contest that Shelley Watters is hosting over on her blog. It just sounded like fun. As the title of this post suggests, it's the Made of Awesome contest. Since you don't actually have to take part in the critique section of the contest, I would suppose that that means that there is still time to sign up for it, if you're so inclined. Hopefully, people won't hold it against me that I'm posting my excerpt late... although, in actuality, the excerpt is up on my blog, as it's supposed to be, just not in a post, which, I'm sure, is people are expecting. So here's all the details I need to post followed by the excerpt (and, if you want to keep going, you can click on the little tab at the top that says The House on the Corner):
Title: The House on the Corner
Genre: MG/YA
Word Count: 120,000
First 250 words (264, to be exact):
The last bell of the school year is like waking up on Christmas morning. The last day of school waiting breathlessly in the dark straining for some sign of life out in the world so that you know it's time to get up. The bell finally rings and dawn breaks through the window springing you out of bed and three months of days lay glittering before you, presents waiting to be opened.
Thinking about those days of summer is all consuming at the end of the school year just like obsessing over Christmas presents all through the month of December. Planning. Anticipating. Day dreaming.
Being told halfway through May that we were moving was like having Christmas canceled. No presents. No plans. All the anticipation of spending summer with my friends, with my best friend, yanked away. Like waking up Christmas morning to find that the Grinch had visited.
It's not that we were moving that was the problem; it's that we were moving out of state. My parents had decided that moving at the beginning of summer would give us, us being my brother and sister and me, time to get used to the new neighborhood before school started. Like that would make it any better. Going back to school always sucks, but, this way, they were ruining the summer, too.
At least, I had been able to go see Return of the Jedi with my best friend, Cory, beforehand. We’d only been planning that for two years, and I would've had to hurt someone if we hadn't been able to do it.
Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to comment. This is for the sake of critiques, after all. Now... off I go to try and check out the entries!
Ok I think you and I are in the same boat. My YA is more MG/YA and it is hard for anything to really happen in the first 250 words.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell me what confuses me about this, the word Christmas jumps out at me a lot but the focus is on the last day of school. Try to limit the reference to Christmas to one.
I think you could add more of the story if you deleted the majority of the Christmas comparisons.
Another thing is you use the word bell in the same sentence as school so I automatically thought it was a school bell going off. If you mean the alarm to wake your mc up, I think you should specify.
Try taking out the first paragraph.
Thinking about those days of summer is all consuming at the end of the school year just like obsessing over Christmas presents all through the month of December. Planning. Anticipating. Day dreaming.
Being told halfway through May that we were moving was like having Christmas canceled. No presents. No plans. All the anticipation of spending summer with my friends, with my best friend, yanked away.
It's not that we were moving that was the problem; it's that we were moving out of state. My parents had decided that moving at the beginning of summer would give us, us being my brother and sister and me, time to get used to the new neighborhood before school started. Like that would make it any better. Going back to school always sucks, but, this way, they were ruining the summer, too.
At least, I had been able to go see Return of the Jedi with my best friend, Cory, beforehand. We’d only been planning that for two years, and I would've had to hurt someone if we hadn't been able to do it.
Good Luck and hope you go to my blog and help me out. Thanks
Oh, tugs on the heart strings a tad here. Poor kid!
ReplyDelete"Like waking up Christmas morning to find that the Grinch had visited." That lingered with me a while.
I like the short sentences for effect.
Jessica made good points about the bell references.
Nice! With a little polishing, I'd keep reading!
Thanks for sharing. Good luck!
I loved the comparison between the last day of school and christmas. But I think Jessica hit the nail on the head when she said it goes on for a bit too long.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are quite a few grammatical errors throughout. Maybe have a trusted someone proof it before posting on Shelley's blog. And a few run on sentences.
Otherwise, I love it and I would definitely read on.
Well, I went back through the first paragraph, but I left it the way it is. It's possible that in the context of 250 words, it goes on too long, but, in the context of the book, I think it works fine. It's one paragraph. It says what I want it to say.
ReplyDeleteI think.
I can understand the confusion over the bell, but, really, that's how it's supposed to be. The blending of the two things. Sitting in class thinking about Christmas and the school bell is like the alarm clock. The paragraph starts with a simile and goes on to two metaphors. I suppose I would need more feedback before deciding to change it.
Julie: I did change the construction of one sentence but not because of errors. It was just a bit awkward. I don't actually see any grammar errors here, so, if you could pinpoint them, that would be great!